I have been debating for several days on just how much I wanted to post and reveal my life, online. Then I thought, if I didn’t it would defeat the purpose of this blog as being a safe-place and diary for me to rant and rave about my life. Writing has always helped me get my emotions out. Not always it is easy to talk to people…even the ones you are close to. Before I say or do anything stupid, it always helped to write it out first. Ha! Anyhow, implementing a Weekly Wrap-Up segment to my diary may help me cope better with my building anxiety and emotional ups and downs. Let’s face it, we all have them!
First, I guess it’s of some importance to briefly go over what I actually do for work. In short, I am a graphic designer for a company that produces infant, toddler, and kids items. My specific area covers the design and production of feeding wares (bibs, burp cloths, dinner ware, etc.) I was so blessed to get this position and my work family has been amazing. I couldn’t ask for better in that I am allowed relative creative freedom, opportunity for growth, benefits and more. As with all jobs though, they can become stressful with deadlines, team shortages and extra tasks that were not foreseen. I love my job, but with all the latest life events I am having a hard time trying to find my routine and time management schedule.
Moving out of the place I shared with my Mom for the past 3 years (after coming home from college) was quite the experience. The weeks leading up to it were not what I envisioned, however once all was said and done I feel our mother-daughter relationship grew in a new direction and we were finally able to bond. She misses me terribly and there are times when I miss being able to immediately turn to her to tell her what’s on my mind. Things are different now, as I know I have to navigate through life as a grown woman with my own household to run; I don’t want to burden her. She has her own issues at the moment; dealing with her health and work related issues. I pray that her pending retirement is everything she hopes (and needs) it to be.
As for pre-marital life, things sure are different. This will be my first time living with someone who wasn’t a relative or college room mate. This is not just a living arrangement that I can walk away from (not that I’d want to). There are so many things I have and have to learn while living with a potential spouse. I’m trying to keep the peace and do my part and I know Mr. Right is as well; it’s just a lot to navigate through. He has lived with a woman before, but not me. So either way it goes, it’s a learning experience. I love him dearly and I know real, lasting relationships do not just live off love. It is a daily choice to be made and I am willing to put forth all of my efforts. I know my great-grandparents would be rolling over in their graves, though to know that I was living with a man, unmarried; shacking up, as they called it. Ha! In this day in age, I think its a healthy and necessary thing to really go through life together, prior to marriage. I only want to do this marriage thing ONE time. Being a new homeowner comes with it’s own set of challenges, but also having that along with our first time living together…I’d be lying to you if I said it didn’t come with some level of stress.
One of the main things that has been weighing on my mind, is my aspect of creativity and my goals. Prior to all these major life events, I was doing quite well. I was on a schedule for my YouTube content, which is a big deal for me. I made a relatively nice income (at the time) from something I greatly enjoyed and I want to rekindle that. I was blogging regularly, wether anyone was reading or not..it gave me a sense of accomplishment and helped me manage my self-diagnose anxiety. I had started taking graphic design and fine art commissions via Instagram. To my surprise, things took off and I at least had two commissions a month (another source of income for work I enjoyed). All of that came to a halt with the move. It’s crazy, because I had been praying and working so hard to find a new job that would elevate my life to the next level. I wanted a solid source of income, so Mr. Right and I could move in together and begin our life. God granted me exactly what I wanted. So, what is the problem!? Sometimes, you really should be careful what you ask for. I have no regrets and 2019 will continue to be The Year of Gratitude for me, but now I must navigate through other things I didn’t think about.
I didn’t think about what would come after, I got what I wanted. Kind of like that time I wanted Mr. Right and our’s relationship to reach the next level..and then it did..and then everyone bombarded us with the on going interrogation of wedding plans, moving plans, and what our plans were for children. In this case, I didn’t think about what would come after the new job and moving in together. I didn’t think about how stressful it could get at work, or how much of a financial weight it could be well after the closing date of a house (cause it really is only just beginning after you’ve gotten the keys!) I just feel like I need a moment to catch my breath, but this isn’t a Netflix show that I can pause. This is real life. I feel as if, until things are more settled, I can’t fully commit to doing the creative things I once was. However, I am learning the hard way..and from talks with Mr. Right, that there will never be a time where things are 100% settled. Where there will be a perfect time, no matter how much planning I try to do. That, that is the part that freaks me out and I am working to take one step at at time, to get over this and just DO what I want and need to do. Do it afraid, even. So now, the real question is…what am I doing about all of this? Let’s hope by next week’s wrap up I will have figured it out.